A Little TBBT Flavor
by Tijopi11
Summary: A series of short stories between the episodes of the current big bang theory (starting around The Hesitation Ramification and onward.) These stories can be anything from comedic and funny to sad and tragic, focusing on small arcs for different characters or couples. Thanks for reading!
1. The Fair

The surroundings bustled with scents and sounds- loud and energetic enough to encourage people to invite themselves into the atmosphere. It was a festival, though a small one, with three familiar figures walking down the dirt roads.

"I do love festivals!" Amy commented, looking up at Sheldon, who only looked forward. "I always wanted to go to one with a suave, handsome man at my side. We would kiss at the top of the Ferris wheel, and maybe it would get stuck…" Amy mused to herself dreamily. "I don't really like them in particular, but they're kind of like comic book conventions… accept not nearly as cool or entertaining," Sheldon replied, now looking straight at her. "Why is it that a man can only wear his star trek uniform in peace if it's at a comic book convention? Some people have no taste for fine literature!" He continued on in a slight rant.

"It might not be a comic book convention, but there's still fun things to do," Penny offered, walking besides Amy. "We could toss rings and win prizes- ooh, Sheldon; you should totally win Amy a stuffed bear!" Penny smiled to herself. She searched around at the books, her eyes landing mischievously on one particular booth that had a giant stuffed bear hanging as the number one prize.

"That sounds extremely tedious…" Sheldon groaned. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to," Amy offered. "Unless you really want too, you should do it if you really want too!" she added quickly with a dreamy smile. Sheldon was beginning to slow his pace, and look nervously at the two gals. This wasn't really the type of thing he would do willingly, unless he was being outnumbered and peer pressured into it. "Well in that case, I'd rather not-" Sheldon began, making haste to end this annoying confrontation, but Penny cut him off. "Oh come, party pooper, it'll be fun!" She argued, and with that began walking toward the booth.

Shamy followed more slowly behind, with Amy taking the lead with Sheldon. This game was a classic- it was the ever popular attraction of shooting water through a small hole, filling up a balloon until it burst. All three sat down while Penny slapped some money down for the operators' benefit. "When was the last time these were washed?" Sheldon grudgingly asked the owners. The guy gave him a nervous shrug, and surprisingly, Sheldon seemed to just ignore it. "Not very competent at our booth, now are we?" he muttered under his breath, although the owner didn't hear it- or perhaps, he just pretended he didn't hear it.

Penny gripped the machine with obvious competitive enthusiasm, Amy looked aiming to win although not as serious as Penny, and Sheldon hesitantly gripped the machine as if he wasn't sure if he had quite agreed to this yet or not. A loud beep sounded and the three did their best to aim the pointers towards the hole. Three pops later, and Penny ended up winning. "Ha! I've got the Nebraska genes!" She cheered, eyes glittering on the prizes. "Genes don't work like that, Penny," Sheldon snapped at her. Penny held back an eye roll and looked at Amy for support, but she agreed with Sheldon. "He's right," she added after a moment. She gave a slight exasperated sigh, her annoyance made slightly more intense when she received a small plush kitten as a prize instead of the giant bear she wanted. "Okay, fine, whatever- how do you win the giant bears anyway?" she snapped, looking up at the bigger prizes.

"Maybe they're just there as display- you know, to get people to play their games?" Amy offered. "Deceptive advertising AND they can't clean the handles after each player, like they should be. How have they not gotten sued yet?" Sheldon added on.

The three walked slowly down the road in silence for a moment, and then Penny stopped with an idea. "Here," she smiled, handing Sheldon the stuffed kitten. He stopped, observing it for a second. "Uh, okay," he muttered while reaching for it awkwardly. He rolled it around in his hands for just a moment, and then mumbled "I-I don't really WANT this." Penny nodded, and lifted her eyes onto Amy, who was looking at Sheldon in jealously- as if she wished Penny had given her the stuffed kitten instead of Sheldon, or maybe she just admired the kitten. "No, no, I mean, give it to Amy!" Penny smirked.

Amy lit up immediately, and looked up at Sheldon expectantly, and even inhaled a deep breath in her staggered preparation for receiving the kitten. Penny had expected Sheldon to perhaps look a bit alarmed, or unsettled, but he only looked bored. "Okay," he agreed casually. He turned, looked at Amy, and handed it forward. "Here," he added with the same bored monotone in his voice. Amy took it enthusiastically, and although she looked like a child on Christmas day, her eyes visually hinted slight disappointment.

"Oh, Sheldon… that's so sweet!" She breathed with love. Sheldon gave a slight shrug. "It's no big deal; I just didn't want to carry it around all day. And Penny told me to," he replied, recapturing the obvious. Penny felt frustration prick at her. How could Sheldon claim to be so smart, yet act so oblivious sometimes? "You're supposed to do it romantically!" She corrected him with strain in her voice. "Why?" Sheldon asked, simply.

"It's just a romantic gesture," Penny answered. She thought quickly, and then added, "It's what boyfriends do for their girlfriends." Sheldon blinked, and for a second, Penny thought she actually reached through to him. But he turned the tables around and noted, "But you gave ME the kitten."

Penny hesitated. "So?" she argued. "SO," Sheldon restated, "giving people stuffed kittens is apparently what girlfriends and boyfriends do."

"Yeah?" Penny repeated with added annoyance. "We're not girlfriend and boyfriend!" Sheldon concluded. Penny groaned. "Friends give things to other friends, too," she sighed. "Wait- you mean there's exceptions to this social convention?" Sheldon demanded.

"Well yeah! Well…not exactly. Look, when you give things to friends, it's to show your friendship- you know, to show that you love and care for them. When you give it to someone you're in a relationship with, it's like a romantic thing," she explained.

"But that makes no sense!" Sheldon seemed to be panicking now- a dominating trait of his. "If you're going to establish a rule, it needs to be structured in a solid way so as not to cause confusion-"

"It doesn't matter! I was just giving it to you so you could give it to Amy, alright?" Penny cut him off. "Uh, maybe we should do something else? Like try another game?" Amy put in somewhat shyly. Both Sheldon and Penny looked at her curiously, and Amy straightened up with the attention firmly on her. "Let's walk over to that side over there, and see if we can find something else to do?" she offered. Both turned to look forward the direction she was pointing, without actually walking toward that destination, so she took the lead. Sheldon and Penny followed behind her, forgetting their previous scuffle, and so Amy found herself easily attracted to the Farris wheel.

She looked behind her back nervously, checking for any signs of annoyance at where she was headed, and finding nothing of the sort from neither of her friends, she launched a hurried stride towards the Farris Wheel. She felt a slight warmness in her heart standing in line with her closest friends, and perhaps a bit tingly, looking hopefully at Sheldon. The ride was for two, and although she treasured Penny's company, she couldn't help but admit to herself that she would rather take this one with Sheldon. She had always wanted to try this!

Penny was standing around somewhat absentmindedly until she picked up on what the ride was and how many could actually ride it at one time. "I'm going to go buy something to eat," she mentioned casually, hiding a smile from her lips. "I'll be back by the time the ride ends," she put in quickly before departing the line. She started heading toward a popcorn booth, and Amy looked up at Sheldon to test his reaction. He seemed very casual about it, most likely not picking up on the romantic elements again, so Amy quietly excused herself for a moment while the line was still in progress and quickly joined Penny.

"I know what you're doing," she growled, her eyes darting back and forth from Penny to where Sheldon would be waiting in line. She turned around, obviously startled by what she felt was an accusation. "What am I doing? I thought you would want to spend some alone time with Sheldon," she defended herself quickly. Amy lowered her voice, as if Sheldon could hear all the way from the line to her. "I know, it's wonderful!" she blurted with unsuppressed enthusiasm, but then regained her composure. "I mean, I…I just don't to scare him off. I don't want to force him out of his comfort zone," she confessed.

Penny turned toward her, now fully invested in their conversation. "I just thought I should try being a match maker. I got Bernadette and Howard together, remember? So I just wanted to help you along, since you know, I know you wish things were going faster." Her voice had lowered to a more understanding voice rather than a slightly defensive one, and Amy lowered her guard as well.

"I know. I just wish I knew how to make him happy. How to make him want me… how to make him happy doing things with me," she muttered. Penny smiled at her. "I'm sorry if it feels like I'm messing with your relationship. Look, I'll stop if you want to- we can just be a group of friends at a festival having fun!" She smiled charmingly, and then turned around to order her popcorn- extra butter.

"No, no, I like what you're doing!" Amy corrected, and then suddenly lowered her voice again. "Just don't push him too hard, I don't know if I can find another boyfriend as intellectually similar to me as Sheldon. Or you know, another boyfriend at all…" she cautioned rather sorrowfully. Penny stuffed a few pieces of popcorn in her mouth and gave her friend a small wink. "Alright, I'll give it my best shot!" she declared confidently. Amy shared a mischievous smile with her, and then hightailed it back in line with Sheldon.

Penny watched for a moment as the two boarded one of the lifting chairs, and then she turned toward another mode of entertainment. She scrolled down some of the near-by booths, looking at the different opportunities in front of her. She was only just looking, until her eyes fell upon one booth that stood out to her. Fun-loving and ruled by her own unique principals- and certainly no one else's preconceived principals! - Penny had thought up a plan.

((The rest of the story will be written in a Script-type format. I found that, since the characters are written via script, it's much easier to follow the same trend when trying to make the characters shine as best as possible (at least for me.) I kind of find this chapter to be lacking, and would have even deleted it if it wasn't later significant in the story. Anyway, I hope you guys like it!))


	2. Christmas Hats

(Penny knocks on the door of apartment 4A, sporting a Christmas hat. Leonard opens the door for her.)

L: Penny! It's not lunch yet?

P: Hey, i don't come here just to smooch food off of you guys.

S: I have an eidetic memory that would say otherwise. (Pause) I'll make tea.

L: So, how was your day?

P: Oh you know, not as exciting as being an actress but...it pays the bills! Sort of.

(Sheldon hands Penny her mug of tea)

P: Thanks! So...how did you like the festival yesterday?

S: It was kind of loud and obnoxious. But it was okay, i guess. Amy said she liked it.

P: So, you and Amy...what'd you talk about when you two were on the Farris Wheel together? You know, alone?

S: (pause) Penny, do you own an electric toothbrush?

P: (confused, and then catching on. With a slight sigh:)No, i don't own an electric toothbrush.

S: Do you masturbate?

P: NO! (deep breath) we don't ask people questions like that, Sheldon.

S: I just don't understand why anyone would go through the messy nature of coitus when, if they absolutely have to satisfy their sexual urges, they can perfectly well do so via masturbation. Not that self-satisfying, per se, is any more or less commendable.

P: (annoyed. In monotone) So what's what you two talked about on the Farris Wheel together? The necessity of Gerard in your relationship?

S: (distraught) Who's Gerard?

P: Amy's toothbrush. you know, her tension-relieving technique for ladies?

S: I thought his name was Gerald.

P: (agitated) no, it's Gerard.

S: (matter of factly) I have an eidetic memory, and I could have sworn his name was Gerald-

P: Enough already! I don't know what her stupid toothbrush is called, okay?

S: (quietly to himself) it was Gerald...

L: (quickly intervening) So, Sheldon, don't you have some news for Penny?

S: (disinterested) I'm sorry, what?

L: (already giving up and turning his attention back to Penny) Sheldon's brother is coming over for Christmas!

P: Oh, that's great! (turning to Sheldon) When did you get the news?

S: He emailed me last week.

P: and you didn't tell me?

S: It's nothing exciting, believe me. My brother is annoying, all about himself, he gripes about everything, and worst of all, he has all this Christmas Spirit he tries to force onto everyone else.

L: (sarcastically) Oh, wonder what it feels like to have someone like that living around you...accept for the Christmas spirit part.

S: I don't have Christmas spirit? As a matter of fact, I loathe this holiday. What with the...the carolers that force you to listen to annoying cheery music! all the overly-friendly strangers that keep telling you 'merry Christmas!' every time you go to the train store. And spending time with my mother on a day celebrating the birth of Christ? ...good lord.

P: (eager to change the subject) Oh…well…so anyway, I have great news! (she turns to Leonard)

L: Yeah? (Half smile)

P: You are all, Sheldon that includes you, invited to my Christmas party soiree! It'll be tomorrow night, 8:00 pm!

L: Oh, great! Does that include Raj and Howard?

P: Raj, minus Howard. He'll just hit on all my friends…

L: Hey- he's gotten a lot better about that since he married Bernadette. Do you really think he'd do that right in front of her?

P: (purses her lips) hmm, hard to tell… remember when he installed that camera in my bathroom?

L: That was before he was going out with Bernadette!

P: Oh, alright, what the hell. I'm sure Bernadette will keep him in check.

S: Will there be a theme?

P: Just wear a Christmas hat!

S: Eh… that sounds like a boring theme. Everyone will have the same costume. I think I'll pass.

P: Fine- dress up as whatever Star Trek guy you want!

L: Wait- why does he get to do that?

P: Because I'm not showing up at my party with my boyfriend dressed up as Frodo…

S: Wait, hang on! I can dress up as _anything_ I want?

P: Sure…

S: Oh, the options go on and on! (long pause) I'm back in.

P: Great! Alright, I'll be seeing you guys. I have a girl's night with Bernadette and Amy to get to!

L: Oh, I'll walk you down!

(Leonard and Penny exit the apartment)

L: Okay, I'm curious about something…

P: hmm?

L: Amy mentioned to me that you were trying to get her and Sheldon closer as a couple. Since when did you become a match-maker?

P: Hey, like I told Amy, I did it for Bernadette and Howard. I just thought things were going a little slow for them, and maybe they needed, oh I don't know… kind of a jump start? I'm not trying to meddle or anything, I just want my friends to be happy, you know?

L: Well, it sounds like meddling, but if you know what you're doing. How do you plan to get those two to be more intimate anyway? Sheldon isn't exactly easy to read.

P: It'll be easy; I read a lot of romance novels and heartbreak magazines! (She looks around mischievously) Sheldon may be all quirky and nuts on the outside, but on the inside, I bet he's just like all guys, you know? He just…hasn't quite hit puberty yet, that's all.

L: You sound pretty confident.

P: Oh, I am! He's going to be thanking me in the end, you can bet on it.


	3. Girl's night

(Penny walks into the bar and spots Bernadette and Amy have already shown up, both with drinks in their hands. She greets them, orders a drink for herself, and sits down with them.)

P: Alright, girl's night has begun! What are we going to be doing tonight, ladies?

B: We could go to a club?

A: Or we could put on a lot of makeup, put on kinky dresses, and walk into the comic book store again…

B: Or we could go to a club…?

P: Oh, I know what we could do… Let's prank Sheldon! (giggles to herself)

(Bernadette and Amy look nervously at each other, and then back at Penny

A: I don't know, he might get mad at us.

B: Yeah I mean, what would we even do to prank him?

P: Oh come on, it'll be fun. He has it coming to him anyway. Let's see, what could we do…

B: Oh! We could interrupt him while he's going to go do his laundry!

P: That's not really a prank, Berny…

B: Heh, he would never see it coming though… (Strikes an evil grin)

A: We could put a whoopee cushion under his seat! He might find that one humorous; he likes the idea of using whoopee cushions for comic effect.

B: We could put purple dye in his shampoo!

P: Nah, Leonard uses the same star-trek themed shampoo… and I don't think a whoopee cushion will cut it.

A: Well, don't you have any suggestions?

P: (thinks) Hmm… Oh! I think I got it! Let's scare the _crap_ out of him!

B: Oh, that sounds fun!

A: Interesting, since pranks are normally used to stir emotions associated with embarrassment, but this time we'll do using the primal instinct of fear!

P: Exactly!

A: I remember in high school, I used to get friendly pranks from the other school kids all the time! I remember one time; one of my girl friends gave me apple-scented shampoo as a gift. Yeah, turns out, it wasn't shampoo at all. The good news is, I learned a lot of new techniques for stopping hair loss!

B: (sarcastically and with somewhat of a horrified expression) yeah, sounds like good times…?

P: (in discomfort) Okay, back to the subject at hand… (Excited again) ooh, I know. Sheldon has a fear of birds, right? We could release, like, a chicken, or-

A: Ornithophobia.

P: Huh? Wait- wasn't that guy on star trek?

A: No, that's Obi wan Kenobi, and I believe he's a character in star wars, not star trek.

B: (striking a sympathetic tone) Hang on; I don't think we should mess with someone's phobias. They can be very upsetting to a patient if tampered with.

P: Yeah, besides, it sounds kind of complicated. Isn't he past that fear anyway?

A: Well, he likes blue jays now. Although, the other day he said a crow was giving him 'the eye' and insisted on running into a Chinese restaurant until it flew away. We had to order dumplings…

P: Oof, this is harder than I thought it would be.

B: Hey, I know! Why don't we go back to me and Howey's place and watch scary movies for ideas?

P: I can definitely go for a scary movie, especially the really gory ones! Do you have a bunch of them at home or something?

B: Yeah, Howard's kind of a fan of the classics. He also has a bunch of magic trick DVDs, old black and white movies, some music CDs, and a bunch of other stuff.

P: Okay, awesome! If you have so many, maybe we should spend the night and watch them all. If it's okay with you, of course.

B: Sure! But I'll have to ask Howard.

A: I've been invited to TWO sleepovers so far? Wow, mom always told me it gets better, but now I actually believe her! I gotta tell her the good news! (She brings out her cellphone.)

(Cut to Sheldon's room at 1:00 am sharp. A series of loud noises tap in his apartment, which Sheldon dismisses at first. He then sits upright, obviously scared and disoriented. He lifts up his sleep mask and grips his sheets, and looks at the wall towards Leonard's room)

S: (loud whisper) Leonard..?

L: (No answer)

S: (pause) (strains to be louder, but still in a whisper) Leonard..!?

L: (No answer)

S: (gets up and puts on slippers. Walks out of his room and goes to investigate the living area) (Looks around cautiously and walks to the door. He takes off a plastic sword from the wall and holds it up authentically.) (Out loud but with a very low voice) Hello? I have a sword?

(No answer)

S: (Breathes out, confused, and moves to the kitchen to make warm milk)

L: (walks out of his room yawning) Sheldon, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night?

S: Leonard! Didn't you hear me whispering to you through the wall?

L: Of course not, I was asleep, because that's what people do in the middle of the night!

S: I heard a thumping noise.

L: (Annoyed) It was probably your imagination.

S: Yeah, yeah I suppose you're right. Sorry for disturbing you.

L: It's alright, just go to bed. (Goes back to his room.)

S: (Looks confused around the room and drinks his warm milk. The thumping returns, making him jump, and light haunted music sounds from behind the walls.)

S: Oh god… oh god, oh god! (Sits milk down and runs to Leonard's room.) (Busts in unannounced)

S: Leonard, I heard it again! There's thumping just outside the apartment door!

L: No there's not, it's your imagination! And stop playing that stupid music.

S: It wasn't me! (Stops himself from speaking loudly and looks nervously at the door) (Sheepishly)Maybe you should go check..?

L: Are you crazy? You go check!

S: But, what if someone's standing there waiting to plunge an axe into my chest?

L: Tell him I said Hi.

S: (goes over to his bed) I'm serious! I think someone's there-

(Door notably opens and shuts loudly) (Leonard sits bolt upright and Sheldon flinches)

L: W-what was that?

S: (Hides behind Leonard's bed) I don't know! Go check!

L: (leaps behind his bed with Sheldon) you're always saying you're just like batman! Go be a hero!

S: (innocently) I- I'm not that much like batman….

(Music plays louder and something snaps in the living room area)

S: (ducks more behind the bed) We actually have striking differences, such as physical strength, for instance!

L: Shit, what are we going to do? Oh God, what about Penny?

S: That's it! We'll use her as a shield!

L: You're not using my girlfriend as a shield, Sheldon!

S: Why not, she's stronger than us! She has brawny hands, she can take it.

(The music abruptly stops. Both keep quiet and listen for noises, but no further noises are heard)

L: We need to come up with some sort of line of defense.

S: I told you there was someone out there! I told you, I told you!

L: Even if I knew, what was I going to do? Charge out there and get mauled?

S: Yes, while I run and get help!

L: Okay, that's it. I'm going out there and facing it.

S: What? But what if it's still out there?

L: (heroically) that's a chance I'm willing to take. I think it's time I step in the shoes of the great men of the comic book and action hero universe.

S: (nods) you're a very noble man, Leonard. But just for future reference…where would you want your corpse buried should this end badly?

L: I don't know, Hollywood?

(Leonard walks towards the door)

S: Wait! Maybe you should put on your paintball suit, first.

L: I'm in an apartment, not a grassy forest. They're going to spot me—I don't have time for this!

S: Good thinking- perhaps you should put together a ninja suit? Or something black?

L: There's no time! I'm going in! (He exits the room, leaving Sheldon alone)

(A long amount of time elapses as Sheldon gets more and more nervous.)

S: …Leonard?

(No reply)

S: …Leonard? You said you chose to be buried in Hollywood, right? (he slowly gets out from behind the bed and walks heavily towards the door.) (He looks down the hallway and slowly walks towards the living room, which is barren.)

S: (To himself) I knew he should have worn a ninja suit! (out loud) Heh heh heh… okay, haha. Very funny. You can come out now. The joke is up.

(No reply.)

S: (walks shakily into the middle of the living room, arms crossed protectively across his chest.) I'm serious! You've proven yourself to be a real jokester, but… (pauses and sits slowly in his spot) I'm the one who makes the jokes. So you can just cut it out!

(The door is violently thrown open. Someone in a jumpsuit and white hockey mask charges in with a knife. It charges forward)

Hockey Mask Guy: (Voice is low and deep) SHELDON, JOIN THE DARKSIDE, DAMMIT!

S: (Jumps up and backs up, almost tripping back into a sitting position on the couch)(He turns, screaming, and runs for his room) WAIT, stop, THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(He runs and slams his door shut, locking it.)

S: What did you do to Leonard!?

Hockey Masked Guy: (In gruff, low voice) 'Already joined the dark side. You're next!

S: The dark side? Is this a joke?

(No response)

S: ...H-Hello?

(Short silence. Suddenly the door jiggles, and is then thrown open.)

Hockey Masked Man: Ah, your bowl has a spear key!

S: AHA! Only Leonard knows that! So you can quit the-

(Hockey Masked Man charges forward and slashes the knife towards him, to which Sheldon is able to barely duck in time)

S: LEONARD, ARE YOU INSANE? Isn't this kind of over the top for a j-

Hockey Masked Man: JOIN THE DARK SIDE! (Chases him around the room, where Sheldon quickly leaps over his bed and back to the door)

S: LEONARD! Leonard, people aren't supposed to be in my room! (Screams while running toward the door. He throws open the door)

Amy and Bernadette: BOO!

S: (jumps backwards) GOOD LORD, THEYRE EVERYWHERE- wait?

(Hockey Masked Man runs past him and runs out the door)

Hockey Masked Man: (in normal female voice) BAZINGA, BITCH!

(They all run laughing down the stairs)

Sheldon: Penny?!

(He runs out the door but doesn't pursue them down the stairs)

Sheldon: Penny, you get back here! That catchphrase is trademarked! Pe-PENNY?


	4. Pair of Pansies

(At Caltech during lunch. Sheldon is seething and moping while the rest of the guys are laughing at Leonard's story)

R: (laughing) Oh dude, you should have recorded it and put it on YouTube!

H: Yeah, I can't believe I missed it? Did he faint and pee himself again?

L: Surprisingly no. He handled it pretty well. (He looks encouragingly at Sheldon)

S: (He glares back) That was mean…

L: Oh come on, stop pouting. It was a joke; it was supposed to be funny!

S: It wasn't funny!

R: Really? Because it sounded pretty damn funny to me.

L: It was just a silly gag, there was no real harm! The knife was fake from a prank store.

S: She used my catchphrase!

L: Well, Penny's very sorry about that.

S: No she's not-

L: Yes, she is! She was telling me _all _about it! She says she'll never use it again! (Cheerfully)

S: She signed a contract with me after we first met that she would never use my catchphrase! She violated my trust **and** her word!

L: Yeah, I know, we all did…

S: That contract specifically states that no one should use that catchphrase; it's legal under California state law!

L: Okay, I give up.

H: (Turns to Leonard) So, were you in on it the whole time?

L: I wasn't in the plan-creating process, but yeah. Penny told me all about it last night and then we bought the hockey mask-

S: You were in on it? I thought we were friends!

L: We _are _friends! (Defensively) Will you relax? It was just a prank.

H: Yeah, just grow a pair and get over it, already. It happens.

S: Grow a pair?

H: Yeah.

S: Of what?

H: (sarcastically) of pansies, obviously.

S: That's a peculiar expression?

(Amy walks up to Sheldon, as she now works at Caltech for the time being.)

A: Hello Sheldon, I hope there's no ill feelings-

S: And _you_! I expected better from you Amy Farrah Fowler! Engaging in this little trick of mutiny against me!

A: (sighs) yeeeaaah, I thought so… (strikes a more sympathetic tone) It was just a prank, Sheldon! Friends play pranks on their friends sometimes to show that they care for one another!

S: (rubs his hands together) Oh, in that case, it's high time I pay that Nebraskan hillbilly what's coming to her!

L: Oh, you're not seriously going to get revenge, are you?

S: Sheldon Lee Cooper never accepts defeat! I'm going to show her not to mess with me, _or_ my catchphrase!

A: Oh, can I be in on it? (She sits down next to him) I suggested a whoopee cushion yesterday, but Penny turned it down. Since I know you believe whoopee cushions still have comic validity, I thought I should throw that back on the table!

H: Wait, you mean everyone pitched ideas? What were the other ones?

A: Well, Penny was going to release a chicken in the apartment.

S: What? That's not a prank, chickens are nowhere near humorous! No, they're dastardly, EVIL birds that like chasing you up trees!

H: You guys should have gone with the chicken.

S: (glares at Howard) (turns back to Amy) No matter, you have no need to help me Amy. As of now, we are enemies.

A: What? Why?

S: You, Penny, and Bernadette, all played a nasty prank on me. I'm going to reciprocate.

A: You mean you're going to play a prank on _me_?

S: (stops to think) (casually) Hm, no, I believe Penny was the mastermind of this entire rebellion. You, on the other hand, are one of Penny's backups. You're off Team Sheldor.

R: You mean she was on at some point?

S: Yes…for a few seconds. But now she's off! (Turns to Amy) Go away; I'm going to start scheming against your prank queen.

A: But I'm your ride to the train store after work?

S: Oh, our companionship remains the same. You just can't be involved in my prank scheming. You've proven yourself not to be trusted.

A: Fine, but I'm not taking you to the train store!

S: (innocently) What, why not?

A: And I'm telling Penny about what you plan on doing! (She leaves to eat her lunch with her colleagues)

S: But that's tattle-telling!

R: Ha-ha, someone's in trouble with their girlfriend!

S: I'm not in trouble; she's just refusing to abide to my wishes for some reason. Women are so confusing sometimes. That reminds me, Leonard, you're going to have to drive me to the train store after work today.

L: Why do you need to go there!?

S: My train whistle broke…

H: Did you sit on it?

S: No...I just have a hunch that someone else has been using it. Now it feels like its validity is tarnished.

R: So, are you going to come up with some sort of badass team name?

S: Of course. For now, I'm deciding on the animal symbol that will be representing my name sake.

R: How about a bear?

S: No, they live in caves, like animals. And bears are terrifying.

H: I don't know, I think a terrifying flesh-tearing animal totally represents you?

L: How about a praying mantis?

(The other guys laugh)

S: I don't understand the comic value?

L: I know, that's part of the joke.

S: Praying mantises aren't that strong. A team animal is supposed to be something strong…

L: Don't make it an army ant again….

S: Why not? Army ants are perfectly reusable. Under this context, I mean.

R: Okay, I just looked up 'strong animals' on Google images and I think- HEY, a little hamster lifting weights! That's so adoooorable!

H: (leans over and looks at Raj's phone) How about a monkey? You strike me as a monkey man.

S: No, monkeys are Amy's favorite animal. She might think I wish she were on my team, or that I dedicated my team animal to her or something. She's kind of like that.

R: Hey, that's funny, this squirrel has photoshopped muscles.

S: Gentlemen, focus! We need something to represent me, so maybe we should be looking at animals with high intellect. Perhaps an octopus? Or a dolphin?

R: I'll look it up, this should be good. (Looking it up) Dog's with glasses!

S: Okay, I've decided. I'm picking koalas.

H: Koalas? Where in hell did you get that from?

S: I like koala bears… (Smiles) and, despite what the name states, they aren't actually bears!

R: (laughing) Monkeys operating cellphones! Oh Google images, how I love you!


	5. Misunderstandings

(Penny and Amy are walking down the stairs of Penny's apartment. Amy has just told her the news.)

A: So, what are we going to do? (Evil grin)

P: (reflects her devious expression as she whips out her cellphone) Oooh, if he thinks he's going to get away with it! (She taps at her cellphone) He's got another thing coming. I'm so going to screw with him. (Pause) What animal would you say is the biggest, most _dangerous_ destroyer of the koala?

A: Hm, well, some common predators of the koala include: the dingo, the domestic dog, owls, European foxes, and humans, who hunt for their fur. Why do you ask?

P: (shows Amy her cellphone) Sheldon's team animal is the koala- it's all over his Twitter page. (She taps violently and angrily at her cellphone) "PENNY'S. PRANK. TEAM. ANIMAL. IS. A. DINGO." Ha! Suck on that, Mr. Scientist! (Submits the tweet to her own page and slaps her phone shut.)

A: Oh, clever. I'm surprised he picked a Koala bear as his representing animal, since he thinks koalas are adorable.

P: Hey, what is a dingo anyway? Isn't it some sort of Australia dog thing?

A: Yes, Dingoes typically live in Australia, as well as Southeast Asia. They're known as a sub-species of the grey wolf.

P: (opens her phone again) hang on, let me look it up… aw, they're kind of cute! Kind of reminds me of my neighbor's dog, Strike. He was named because, as rumor has it, he was struck by a lightning bolt and pronounced dead at the scene. Later, it rose from the dead!

A: That sounds unlikely, but it's an interesting story nonetheless.

(They try to walk out of the apartment door and almost run into someone)

P: Oh, sorry! We weren't looking where we were going.

Guy: (looks at them, somewhat wide-eyed) Whoa, hel-lo. Are you one of those models that I hear populate California?

P: (Awkward laughter) Uh, yeah, I have a boyfriend. (Lights up) But you may recognize me from one of my acting jobs?

Guy: Oh, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about _her_. (Looks at Amy)

Amy: Oh! Uh… (Slight stutter. She flips her hair attractively, and lowers her voice.) _Hello_.

Guy: (Smirks) I was kind of heading somewhere, but may I be bold enough to ask both you ladies to come have a drink with me?

Penny: (kind of insulted) Yeah, well, we'd love to, but unfortunately, we have other plans. (She glares at Amy, who's looking very flattered.) Amy, tell him you have a boyfriend!

Amy: (Her voice is still low and she puts on a pose) Yeah, I kind of have a boyfriend. And a lot of friends, I'm kind of in a social group now.

P: We were going to go to the spa for a girl's night…

A: Because we do that _every_ Friday. We're real gal pals.

P: Well, not every Friday. Only when my Cheesecake Factory tips hold up.

Guy: Oh, well, you're clearly busy. But, if you change your mind. (He gives Amy his number.)

P: Hey, pal, she said she had a boyfriend, remember? (Continues to scowl at Amy, who willingly accepts his number.)

Guy: Oh don't you worry, I believe it. (He winks at her and walks up the apartment steps)

A: (Dreamily to Penny) Oh my god, a boy likes me! And Sheldon does to! I'm in a love triangle! Two guys are fighting for my affection.

P: Amy, get rid of that thing! You're not seriously thinking about cheating on Sheldon, are you?

A: (Horrified) Of course not, (smirking) Sheldon's everything I could ever want in a boyfriend! (Stops) Although a little more rated-M action would be nice. (She looks down at the card) It's just nice to get attention, that's all.

P: (Groans) Okay, let's just get going. That guy was trouble, I could tell.

A: (Raises eyebrow) Because he wasn't interested in you?

P: That is so not true! Look, I don't need some sleazebag hitting on me when I'm already in a perfectly functional, fulfilling relationship with Leonard.

(Cut to Sheldon and Leonard's apartment)

S: (looking at his cellphone) (looking up at Leonard from his spot, who's searching through bills) Leonard, there's news on the Penny prank front. Her prank war animal will be a Dingo.

L: (looks back in utter surprise) What?! You mean she's playing right into this stupid thing?

S: It would appear so, Leonard. (He shakes his head) Oh, a dingo. A predator of the koala, which is my team animal. (Sarcastically) Clever, clever, clever, Penny. (Yelling into his phone but without anger) Real original!

(The door is knocked on. Sheldon wordlessly gets up to answer it and opens the door. The guy from earlier is hiding out of view of the doorframe, just behind the wall.)

S: Hello?

(The guy from earlier secretly slips inside the apartment as Sheldon steps out to look in both directions. Sheldon closes the door and shrugs, walking toward Leonard, as the guy tiptoes behind him.)

L: (Having watched the whole thing, he looks notably concerned) Uh, Sheldon…

S: Leonard, why do you look so nervous? No one was at the door.

L: (Getting out from the kitchen) (Voice is shaky) someone's behind you. Who are you?

(Sheldon twists around behind him, where the guy tiptoes out of sight. Sheldon spins completely around, and the guy tries to follow, but he gets a bit too slow. He stops until Sheldon completely sees him.)

Guy: (Rudely loud) HELLO, SHELDON.

S: (Freaks out and steps back) Oh!—How are you always able to do that to me?

Guy: It's all in the ninja powers.

L: Wait, you know this guy?

S: (Annoyed) Leonard, this is my brother, George.

L: Oh! You're early! (He walks forward and puts out his hand) Hi, I'm Leonard Hofstadter, I'm Sheldon's roommate.

G: And you haven't gone completely insane yet?

L: Surprising, I know… what about you, what was it like growing up with Sheldon?

G: Missy told me she's been here and told you all about it. Our stories are pretty similar.

L: Yeah, but what was it like from your perspective?

G: I don't know, I always wished he wasn't so boring…but he was easy to dominate. (He smirks) Remember when I made you eat that grasshopper, Shellybean?

S: (Making tea for him) (voice is disturbed and cracks) ….yes…

L: Seriously? (He looks at Sheldon) and you were okay with that?

G: (in reply to his question) He resisted, believe me. He got me back by kicking me in the stomach. You know, because he was flailing like nuts. I thought I was ganna puke…

S: Here. (He gives George his tea)

G: Thanks. Hey, Sheldon, you wouldn't believe all the girls I saw walking down here. (Doubles back) Well, you live here…never mind. Anyway, it was like, super models were everywhere, you know? It was so awesome.

S: (rolls eyes) Yes, of course…

G: They don't come that pretty in our home town, huh? (He lightly punches Sheldon in the shoulder.)

S: (Looking disturbed at this action) don't touch me, _please_. Who knows what foreign germs and the like you brought back from that airport!

G: (Humming softly to himself) and the party don't start 'till Sheldon walks in….

L: Yeah, I know someone who's going to like you.

G: Who?

L: My friend, Howard. So, where are you going to be staying? Do you have a hotel room already?

G: (Sheepishly) Heh, I was going to ask if I could sleep on your couch.

S: What? Why?

G: Just to save money.

L: Are you really that bad off?

S: He probably spent it all on purchasing sexual favors from women.

G: Not true, I haven't got involved with a prostitute in over 6 days! ….Bazinga.

S: (Violently and angrily looks up from his phone, he looks at George with his mouth wide open, and then angrily at Leonard)

L: Yeah, you better not say his catchphrase. He might pop a blood vessel.

G: It's not his catchphrase, it's mine.

S: (Angrily yelling) I've been saying Bazinga since I read my first comic book!

G: (obviously messing with him) It was my first word.

S: (even angrier) you're first word was 'quote!'

G: It's my birth right.

L: Wait, you're first word was quote?

G: Pretty badass, right?

L: Heck yeah!

S: Just because you're the eldest of Mary and George Sr. Cooper's children, does not mean you have rights to absolutely everything!

G: Yes, it does.

S: No, it does not!

G: In fact, it is so.

S: It is not so!

G: The question is: to be, or not to be.

S: Good Lord!

G: (angrily) Sheldon! Don't say that name in vain!

S: (deep sigh) Good gravy.

G: That's better. "Good gracious me" was also an acceptable phrase to say.

L: What's wrong with 'good lord?'

G: (annoyed at him saying it, but says nothing) I kind of take after my mother. She doesn't have a problem with it, but I find it kind of offensive to say His name in vain.

S: The pursuit of teaching religious peoples the truth and authenticity of evolution is looking ever the more bleak…

G: So, do you guys have a map of all the houses of the Hollywood stars?

L: Huh?

G: It feels like something a proud Californian should have in their possession.

S: (Beaming) As a matter of fact, we do. I know the location of Leonard Nemoy's house, as well as Zachary Quinto, Will Wheaton, Carl Sagan, Stan Lee, Bill Nye….

G: The science guy?

L: Bill, bill, bill, bill, bill….Nye…the science guy.

L&G: BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL-

S: Will the both of you restrain yourselves? You're having _very_ annoying emotional outbursts!

G: Science rules.

S: Of course it does.


	6. Plastic Cups

(Leonard and George are sitting on the couch, watching TV)

L: So, you said that Sheldon was boring earlier?

G: Yeah

L: Isn't 'boring' kind of the wrong word for it? He's way too eccentric to be boring.

G: Boring as in he never takes risks. You should have seen him as a kid. (Imitates an annoying scratchy women voice) 'George, get that spider away from me!' 'George, stop looking at my burrito that way!' 'George, you stole my burrito! By doing so, you infected everything else on the plate.'

L: (laughing) hey, its spot on!

(The door is knocked on. Leonard wordlessly gets up and opens the door, revealing Penny on the other side.)

P: Hey, Leonard! (She kisses him.)

L: Hey Penny, come meet Sheldon's brother. He came over last night.

P: (Ecstatic) Last night? Why didn't you tell me sooner! I- (she stops, upon seeing him. George looks very casual; as if this is the first time he's met her.)

P: Oh…?

L: Something wrong?

P: No, uh, hi! (She shakes George's hand) We actually already met.

L: Oh! When was that?

G: I was walking up the stairs to you guys' apartment when I bumped into her. Say, where's that other girl that was with you yesterday?

P: (Matter of factly) Her name is Amy. Considering you tried to pick her up on the way in, you should probably have bothered to know her name.

(Sheldon and Amy enter, with Sheldon shutting the door.)

S: Why is the door open?

G: Hi Amy!

A: (halts in her footsteps) What are you doing here?

S: (turning around) Oh, I haven't introduced you two yet. Amy, this is my brother, George. George, Amy.

G: Yeah, I saw her on my way here.

P: (To Sheldon, glaring) Hey Mr. Scientist, you know your brother here was hitting on your girlfriend.

S: (defensively.) _Dr._ Scientist.

G: YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!?

S: My Facebook relationship status says 'in a relationship?'

G: Why didn't you tell me directly?

S: I did… last summer, when I visited Texas; I told you that I- wait, were you even listening to me!?

G: Well you should have lead with that! Instead of talking about all that science what's-its.

P: Wait, just hold on. (She turns to George) alright buster, I gotta ask. Why did you ignore me earlier today?

G: Huh?

P: When we met earlier today, you were hitting on Amy.

G: So?

P: (awkwardly) So… don't you think I'm cute? (She flicks at her Christmas hat) because I got this hat and all….

L: Hey, why are you asking if he likes you? I'm standing right here you know.

P: I was just asking!

L: But why should it matter if he thinks your cute? I think you're cute.

P: Yeah I know, great, you too, but…

G: Okay, look. I didn't hit on you because I know what type of girl you are. The cutesy, sexy, get any type of guy you want, sleep around type of girl. I didn't want to get involved with someone like that; girls like that really press my buttons.

P: I'm not like that! I'm in a committed relationship!

G: and before that committed relationship?

P: (awkward silence) (extremely angry) It doesn't matter what happened before, only now matters. Look, I don't have to take this crap. I'm getting out of here. (She whips around and walks across the hall to her apartment.)

L: Wait, Penny! Can we talk about this-?

P: No, because I know what you're going to say. 'Oh, Penny, you know he's got a point.'

L: That's not what I was going to say at all!

P: Leonard, I'm not in the mood! Just drop it for a second! (She enters her apartment and slams the door.)

L: (sighs and goes back to his own apartment.)

G: That argument looked totally unnecessary.

L: Did I do something wrong?

A: Maybe I should go talk to her.

S: Wait about five minutes. That woman has absolutely zero listening skills when she's emotionally unstable.

L: This is ridiculous, she's being ridiculous! (Angrily turning to Sheldon) And you- why didn't you freak out when George was apparently hitting on Amy? Why didn't you storm out of the room like Penny did?

S: (self-righteously) I have faith that Amy wouldn't violate the Relationship Agreement. Our relationship is built around mutual trust, respect, and a towering intellect which, when combined, shines brightly! Isn't that right, Amy Farrah Fowler?

A: (Stutters) Uh… (Catching on) Yeah, that's right! (Honestly) I'm really happy about my relationships right now. I don't want to anything to harm that…

G: (To Leonard) Sorry, I feel like this whole thing's my fault. I thought they were just two random girls I'd never see again. If I'd known-

L: Its fine, it's…past history. Maybe I should go talk to her-

S: One more minute…aaaaaaaaand, okay, go.

L: (Walks across the hallway and knocks on her door) (Knock knock) Penny?

P: Go away, Leonard.

L: But I-

P: GO AWAY!

L: (submissively) Oh, uh, okay. (He backtracks back to his apartment.)

S: (Looking at his watch) Alright, That was quicker than I expected…but we're still on schedule. (Short pause) Okay, Amy, you're up next, kid.

(Amy gets up and knocks on Penny's door.)

P: Go away Sheldon!

A: It's me?

P: (slight pause) (she opens the door and makes a hand gesture for her to enter.)

P: (Seething) uuuuuuuugh, I'm so embarrassed!

A: You are? Oh I mean, uh… (Sympathetically) you poor thing!

P: And _You_! How could you just sit back and let that jerk schmooze you back then?

A: I didn't say anything during that whole ordeal!

P: Not that, I mean, when we met him walking down the stairs.

A: (getting frustrated) I don't know, I wasn't actually going to go through with it!

(On the other side of the door, Sheldon is listening to the conversation through a paper cup)

L: (whispering) Does that paper cup technique actually work?

S: (whispering) No, but it makes us look cool. Like spies.

L: (whispering) Do you hear anything relevant?

S: (whispering) No, you're whispering too loud in my ear! And now that we're on that subject, stop whispering in my ear!

(On the other side of the door)

P: I don't know, it's just that I've been getting really stressed.

A: Is it? Or maybe it's part of a much bigger psychological problem?

P: (Pouring herself a drink) What are you talking about?

A: What I mean is, maybe you attach just a little too much self-esteem to your physical appearance.

P: What's wrong with that?

A: Absolutely nothing! But what I'm saying is, maybe you rely on the compliments of males to support your view of personal self-worth.

P: Guys don't compliment me day in and day out, you know.

A: It's not just how many guys ask you out. Its how they look at you, how everyone treats you nice right off the bat because you're pretty, how your tip jar will double or triple if you spill when you're drunk?

P: (sheepishly) Quadruples, usually.

A: And you get big tips already because of your looks, regardless of your alcohol intake! Even girls who look at you enviously adds to your self-esteem, if only sub-consciously.

P: (Nervously) You really think so?

A: On the outside, you won't bat an eyelash. But on the inside, you're thinking "Oh yeah, boys, take it in! I'm a delicious buffet for anyone who's willing to-"

P: Okay, you're going way overboard. I take it back; I definitely don't need other guys, and certainly not other girls, liking my looks in order to keep my self-esteem up.

A: Don't feel bad, it's hard-wired into our genes. Everyone has some deep-seated need to come off as the alpha queen.

(On the other side of the door, Sheldon is still listening through the cup)

S: (proudly) Amy is so whimsical in her use of the English language!

L: (grabs the paper cup and crunches it in his hands) Will you quit it with the stupid paper cup?

G: that was uncalled for.

S: Yes, that was quite rude.


	7. Penny Philosophy

(The next day, Leonard emerges from his apartment at the same time as Penny, who's on her way to get her mail. She hesitates upon seeing Leonard, who looks at her confused and hesitative, and then she crosses the hall to him.)

P: (apologetically) Listen, Leonard, about last night-

L: (quickly) before you say anything, I just want to say, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you yesterday.

P: No, no, I should be apologizing. Amy and I had a talk last night, and you know what? I'm over it. (free-spirited) Let's just get on with our lives, okay! (Cheerfully) So, my party is tonight. Are you and Sheldon…?

L: Oh, yeah, of course!

P: Great! So, I'll see you tonight?

L: (firmly) Yes.

(They continue in slight chatter until they part ways at the end of the stairs. Meanwhile, back at apartment 4A with Sheldon and George...)

G: You know, come to think of it, I think mom told me that you had a girlfriend one time before. I think I thought she was pulling my leg.

S: I never understood that expression. 'Pulling my leg,' how does that relate to lying?

G: I thought you were the one who knew all these factoids about all these weird things? Frankly, I'm surprised you don't know the entire backstory to the creation of that phrase.

S: I suppose I had better things to do any other time I've heard it, more specifically, improving and nourishing my increasing intellect in theoretical physics.

(The door is knocked on. George opens the door to reveal Penny on the other side, looking apologetic.)

P: Hi, George was it? I was thinking, maybe we got onto the wrong foot yesterday. So, I was wondering, do you have free time today to maybe join me for a cup of coffee or something?

S: (from the back behind the door) I don't drink coffee, so that's a no go.

P: (awkwardly) No, sweetie, I mean just between me and your brother.

G: (Disinterested) Like a date?

P: (Quickly) NO, no, let's just avoid that concept completely. Absolutely nothing like a date, just friends talking.

G: (More cheerfully) Oh, okay, sure. (Turning toward Sheldon) Do you mind?

S: I thought you said you'd help me put the finishing touches on my Lego lightsaber?

G: Well, finish it without me.

S: (Annoyed) Fine, it's probably for the best, anyway. You know absolutely nothing about Lego architecture. My **blue** lightsaber is completely crooked on the left side!

G: (Getting his coat and leaving) yeah, my bad.

S: You tried to make me sign a lease for your assistance! Assistance, which, you claimed was 'top-notch.' According to Google definitions, that means you claimed your services to be of the highest quality.

G: I'll type you an apology email for my behavior today. Cya~

(Penny tries to make short small talk with George on their way to Starbucks.)

P: So, how was life growing up with Sheldon?

G: Everyone always asks me that, it's uncanny.

P: Well, I guess people just think it's weird that someone was Sheldon's sibling and, you know, didn't kill him at some point in the middle of the night...

G: I actually don't have a problem with how Sheldon is.

P: (surprised) you mean he never crossed you as weird, or annoying, or narcissistic, or crazy, or...?

G: (jokingly) oh, don't get me wrong. My brother's insane. (Pauses) He's not that bad, though.

P: Not that bad? Okay, you gotta tell me- in what universe is Sheldon 'not that bad' to you?

G: To tell you the truth, I've always looked at him as a sort of misunderstood genius. That, or a big mystery. (Somewhat to himself) He's actually more complicated than what meets the eye; it's just that no one bothers to get to know him.

P: I've known him for years! I think if there was anything more than an egotistic know-it-all, then I would have seen it by now.

G: I beg to differ. I know for a fact that you could literally know this guy for twenty years and he would never change in the slightest. In other words, he might acknowledge you as someone he likes but he wouldn't trust you enough to talk to you like a regular person. He keeps a professional stance in all situations.

P: (skeptically) Are you saying that underneath the whole cold, hard, robotic exterior, he has a heart of gold somewhere inside?

G: Well, no. Not exactly, see... All I'm saying is, I don't believe him when he tries to be so cold towards everything. He acts like nothing affects him.

P: I know. (Honestly) I think I see what you're getting at. I think Sheldon is actually really sweet and innocent. He can be really obnoxious and annoying, but his heart is always in the right place.

G: (Shyly) that sounds right. I think you've got it, sort of.

P: I'm just wondering though, did you guys really talk in your youth?

G: What do you mean?

P: Well you know, did you ever really do things together? I remember me and my sister used to do each other's nails, pick out cute clothes, braid each other's hair, watch the football game together...?

G: (sarcastically) Yeeeeeah, I didn't braid his hair.

P: Seriously, I mean did you do anything brotherly?

G: (smirking) Yeah, I held him down until he said Uncle, I made him eat bugs- that was fun- and I used to love doing the whole put-your-finger-on-his-shirt-and-flick-his-nose prank. Oddly, he never learned not to look down.

P: (hesitantly) oh that sounds...sweet of you.

G: Oh, and I'd threaten to open up one of his still-packaged comic book toys if he didn't eat my broccoli for me.

P: Is that really what brothers do to each other?

G: Yeah, if you had a brother, you would get it.

P: Oh, I do! For your information, I never did anything like that to him.

G: No, no, I mean, he would do those things to you. You know, because girls are sissy and doily.

P: First off, a doily is not an adjective, second off; we were perfect angels towards each other! Besides, he knew that if he tried, I would hogtie him like a calf making a run for it and dangle a loogie over his face.

G: Seriously?

P: That, or saturate my finger with spit and stick it right in his ear.

G: And you say you and your sister would dress up with your frilly pink kitty jammies and have pillow fights and paint each other's nails and braid each other's hair?

P: Yeah, of course! Before watching the football game, it was like a tradition.

G: Ah, how could I ever not have guessed?

P: That statement felt grammatically incorrect somehow, but it still made sense?

G: Oh dear, your inner Sheldon is showing.

P: Is not! I just happen to be pretty smart.

G: Despite your looks?

P: As further contributing evidence of a hypothesis you might make based off of my looks!

G: I thought blondes were supposed to be dumb?

P: Well, maybe you shouldn't make conclusions about people based off of first impressions. I don't sleep with _all _the guys I meet! I happen to have standards.

G: You're right, I'm sorry. I should have gotten to know you better.

P: Why, thank you! That's very big of you.

G: You know, I happen to be a good judge of character. I'm surprised I apparently got you all wrong.

P: Well...you were right, to a certain _extent_. I may have, in the past, slept around a lot. But I've never cheated on anybody, and now that I'm in an actual relationship, I haven't been picking guys up left and right like everyone seems to think.

G: No one thinks you're picking up guys left and right. (Pause) I think it's interesting that a girl like you would actually settle down with someone. You know, in an actual long-term relationship, not a one night stand.

P: Well, Leonard's a great guy. He's sweet, he's innocent, you know... I'm so used to the jerks. The smooth-talkers, the guys who know all the tricks in bed. It's so hard to tell if a guy is actually sincere, or if he's just another ass or a cheater or whatever.

G: I see, so you wanted someone who felt more grounded?

P: More grounded?

G: As in... Someone you know actually cares about you.

P: (hesitantly) Well...yeah... (Nodding) you could say that.

G: Okay, I think I'm starting to get you.

P: ...where are you going with this?

(They both pause, stopping in their tracks)

G: You're like my brother, you know. You put up this emotional wall so people don't see the side of you that's insecure, but you do it in opposite ways. While Sheldon rejects emotional attachment, particularly sexual relationships, you may tend to build your walls with emotional attachment, particularly in sexual relationships. Instead of sucking everything in and putting it all under lock and key, you over-express yourself out to show everyone you're in a stable state with yourself.

P: Where did you get that from!?

G: I'm not finished yet. (Slight pause) You were born here, right?

P: (Hesitant, but going along with curiosity) No, I was born in Nebraska?

G: (surprise) Oh? Well then why did you move out here?

P: (Hesitates, then deep sigh) Well, it had always been my dream to be this big star. I was just this country girl living in Nebraska, and well, I guess I just wanted to make something of myself- give my family something to be proud of. I started getting into acting and paid for all these acting lessons, then moved out to California thinking I could do some shitty job in the meanwhile before some big movie producer picked me up and made me into a big actress. From there, I thought I would be a big deal in California. I thought this is the place where dreams came true! You know, you hear all these stories in California, but none in some barely-known state like Nebraska. It was California or New York.

G: (comfortable again) Oh, okay, that makes sense. I was under the impression that, being born in California, you felt influenced to go along with the whole Californian blonde girl routine, where you were raised to believe all this valley girl nonsense.

P: Pfft, yeah right, I grew up in a farm.

G: (continuing his sentence) But now I got a different hypothesis, and I think you and Sheldon have got yet another thing in common.

P: (sarcastic skepticism) and that is?

G: You both suffer from a sort of 'satisfying existence complex.' There's probably some specific scientific name for it, but I'll explain. You both feel unsatisfied with your life unless you make some big contribution to the world. If you're unable to succeed, you feel something is lacking.

P: What's that supposed to mean? Everyone wants to be famous!

G: Yeah, but most people are also satisfied being just regular every-day people. You guys feel that, unless you become known to the world- some sort of figure in history that others should aim to be, or anything even slightly important in the universe- if you can't do that, then your life is pointless. Let me go at a different angle here: if you are unable to succeed in one big destination in the span of one lifetime, you feel life was unsuccessful. Suddenly you're just one pebble in the middle of a huge flowing river, and life becomes an unsuccessful pursuit. This leads with a sort of emptiness or disappointment the longer this dilemma goes on.

P: That's so not what's happening! I don't have some ego dilemma.

G: (ignoring her point) Life has probably felt pretty empty to you. You feel like you want to be a bigger piece in the scheme of things, not just some nobody in the middle of Nebraska. (His voice lowers to a sadder tone) Feeling like a nobody in contrast to someone who seems to be worlds more successful than you is a really rotten feeling. Especially when everybody seems to point it out, even if they don't realize that they're doing so. If the world crushes you down and makes you feel insignificant, it's easy to actually start believing it. This is difficult for the world not to do because of the structure of society. We put so much stress on the equality of race, of gender, of culture, of where you come from, but we so easily and blindly make the rich and the famous look superior. Human equality is therefore downgraded when-

P: Wait, wait, you're getting too deep! I can't keep up! What does this have to do with me?

G: it's okay to shoot for goals, even high goals that may seem out of reach at times, but it's not okay to think of yourself as worth any less than others based off of their rule in society compared to your own. If other people appear more successful, if they're more widely known or richer or whatever, then we often see them as better human beings. This isn't the case; I believe all humans are very literally created equal. Quality in life shouldn't be based off of quantity of dollars that person has, or has the potential of having, but on the richness of character. Or even off of the fact that that person is alive- that alone should be a blessing worth acknowledging. Even though it's so rarely acknowledged unless it's suddenly put in jeopardy.

P: (long confused pause) (sudden epiphany) so you're saying that I shouldn't judge myself based off of financial success? Instead I should...look at what's inside?

G: In summary, yes.

P: (Almost to herself) that's actually very helpful advice. (To him) Too helpful, is that something Buddha said at some point? Be honest.

G: (inward sigh) No, 'regular people' are capable of offering engaging, useful advice. That would be the point. It's just that no one listens to the 'weaker man in the game of life.'

P: Ah, I see.

G: (skeptically) Do you?

P: ...you know, I think we're getting off topic. We were getting to know each other right? What do you do for a living?

G: (monotone joke) Work. (Unable to hide smile at his own joke) I don't have a job at the moment, actually.

P: Really? Where do you get money to pay the bills?

G: I smooch off of my parents. I'm trying to find a job though, it's no big deal.

P: Ah, I know the feeling.

G: Is this the good start you wanted?

P: ...that was kind of quick and out there, but yeah. I'd say so.

G: Good! First impressions are key, I always say.


	8. Penny Party

(Its 9:30 pm. everyone has arrived at Penny's party, and the guys are all gathered in Penny's kitchen surrounding the chips and salsa dip. They all stand around, not talking, observing the girls from a distance.)

R: ...okay, déjà vu, anyone?

S: (dressed in full costume as the flash) I fail to sense the repetition as the déjà vu would apply?

R: Last time Penny threw a party, none of us could talk to girls. Now we're doing it again.

L: Hey, we've all got girlfriends. It's you who's not talking to girls.

R: I could do it if I had a wing man.

H: Like who?

R: I need someone who can help me look good in front of the ladies.

G: Bring Sheldon; you'll look like a regular Charlie Sheen next to him.

R: Yeah, been there, done that. He wasn't exactly helpful last time he was my wing man.

S: I beg to differ, we brought home two ladies. From what I can understand, they were also sexually attractive ones.

R: Dude, you're wearing a Flash suit...

G: Exactly, he's wearing a Flash suit. Make some jokes like 'Oh, this guy? He's my brother's brain-damaged cousin; I'm making sure he doesn't get hurt.'

R: ...I guess it could work out. I do look pretty suave next to a guy in a Flash suit. What do you say, Sheldon?

S: Pass, I have to stay next to the chips and salsa. I have a hunch someone is bound to double dip, thereby destroying the authenticity of the salsa from that point on.

R: So?

S: So, I'm hungry, and I want to eat the chips and salsa.

R: Well leave it just for a second! I want to score some girls, here.

G: I can guard it, if you want.

S: Leave a job like this to you?**_ Please_**.

G: I was actually being sincere, but now you can forget it.

R: Oh come on, somebody come with me! I don't want to do this alone.

H: You don't want to ask a girl to sleep with you alone?

R: ...yes...

H: Fine, I'll go with you, but if she takes an interest in me, I'm telling her straight out that I'm married.

R: Oh, I wasn't worried about that. Let's go. (They both leave)

(A random girl walks up to Sheldon.)

Girl: Nice costume. What are you supposed to be?

S: (coy smile) I'm the Flash.

Girl: ...Is that some kind of fast-acting skin rash mascot?

S: (confused) No, I'm a comic book character. (Smirking) (He points to the chips) If I wanted to, I could eat this entire bag of chips in seconds.

Girl: ...Oh, that's a weird mascot for a skin rash product. Never mind. (She walks to the couch.)

L: Would it have really been that hard to just wear a Christmas hat?

S: I was under the impression that you were going to also dress up! Instead you're just wearing a silly elf hat.

L: Yeeeeeeah, about that. I was going to dress up as Frodo, but then I realized I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend tonight.

G: A real man would wear whatever costume he wanted and **_still_** get the lady.

L: Where'd you get that from?

G: That would be the lacking wisdom of George Senior. Me and Sheldon's dad, that is.

(Cut to Raj and Howard. Raj is talking to the girl who was just talking to Sheldon.)

Girl: Did you see that weirdo in the skin-rash costume?

R: (Awkwardly) Oh, that guy? He's my friend's brain-damaged cousin; I'm making sure he doesn't get hurt.

Girl: (offended) Okay, if that's the case, I think it's very immature for you to bring him to an alcoholic party. Next time, just ask a babysitter or something. (She leaves again.)

H: You suck at this, you know.

R: Howard, you're good with the ladies. How can I get a woman to talk to me?

H: Why tell you, when I can show you?

R: You're going to ask a girl out? But what about Bernadette?

H: Relax, I'm just going to go up to a girl, put on the charm, then when she falls madly in love with me over the night, I'll calmly let her down easy. This stallion will no longer run wild and free, he's already been tamed!

R: Isn't that a little rough?

H: Sure, it might be a little rough, but that's life. Sometimes the ladies need to learn that Howard Wolowitz may be a man of action, but that man of action might want to settle down from time to time. With a little lady named Bernadette! Now, watch me schmooze this girl, here.

(He walks over to a girl drinking in the back of the room.)

H: Hey. You know, you remind me of somebody. Who was that again? Oh yes, you remind me of Angelina Jolie.

Girl: (bored) Oh, why's that?

H: You look like the type who might be mysterious, not afraid to get a little crazy, maybe enjoying a big sized cheese burger from time to time?

Girl: I'm on a diet.

H: ...right, you know how else you remind me of Angelina Jolie? I hear she's a sucker for magic tricks. Do you like magic tricks?

Girl: I guess?

H: Great, you're going to love this one! Now... when was the last time you cleaned your ears?

Girl: ...never.

H: Oh, because I see something...right there, what is that? (He pretends to pull a quarter from her ear) Oh, it was a quarter!

Girl: (Offended) Did you just steal my money?

H: ...No, see, it was a magic trick. This is **my **quarter.

Girl: (laughing) pfft, you're so easy. I love freaking people out when they try that trick on me. (Stops laughing) that kind of sucked.

H: ...yeah well... (Attempts to put on the charm) You know what else 'sucks?'

Girl: (she grabs the quarter from her hand) For my troubles. (She walks away.)

(Both the guys stand around, looking after her.)

H: (calling after her.) It's okay, it'll never work. I'm married!

(Raj looks at him, clearly not believing him.)

H: she was so into me. Too bad I had to let her down like that...

R: (sarcastically) yeah, she was all over you. (Pauses) Hey, you know the whole plan of standing next to a pathetic guy to make me look good in comparison? I just realized I might still be able to pull it off. (He chases after her.) Uh, miss! This guy's my brain-damaged cousin.

H: (staring after him.) (To himself) She was totally into me.

(Back to Leonard, Sheldon, and George. Some random guy is talking to Leonard.)

Guy: So, why are you two dressed up as the Flash and an elf?

L: (overly cheery) Oh, isn't it obvious? I'm an elf because it's Christmas! And my friend Sheldon is the Flash because... well, because he's crazy.

Guy: Oh, I thought you were an elf because... well you know?

L: (confused, as well as Sheldon) no, what do you mean?

Guy: (laughing) you're kind of short, dude. (He leaves.)

L: (long pause) Oh yeah, well... at least my ears aren't out of scale with my head! ...like **_some people_**!

S: (Sheldon laugh) it's funny because your ears actually **_are_** out of scale.

L: (quietly) No, they're not. (He pauses.) (He pulls his elf hat over his ears.)

(Penny walks up to them with a martini in her hand.)

P: Hey guys, how's it goin' over here?

L: (smiling) Oh, fine! We-

S: You're friends are mean...

P: They are? Which ones?

L: Nothing, it's fine!

S: Well, that guy over there made fun of Leonard's height.

P: (sympathetic) Aww, Leonard, are you okay?

L: (embarrassed) Yes, I'm fine! It was no big deal!

P: Do you want me to talk to him?

L: (more embarrassed) NO, no!

P: (hesitant) Okay, I'm just looking out for you.

L: (self-righteously) Well, I don't need looking after. I'm a man.

P: (Laughing) Of course you are, sweetie! (She walks away.)

G: (drinking a diet coke) Well, that was amusing.

S: Well, she got you, Leonard.

L: How would you know? You don't know how to use sarcasm!

S: Actually, I think I've made significant improvement lately regarding my understanding of sarcasm. (He puts two fingers closely together, barely not touching) In fact, I think I'm **_this_** close to understanding it completely!

L: ...screw you; I'm putting on my Frodo costume. (He walks back to his apartment.)

(Meanwhile, Raj is striking a conversation with the same girl.)

R: So that's my personal hypothesis why my sweetie pie, Cinnamon, keeps humping my leg around the same exact time each afternoon!

Girl: (kind of disgusted) Yeah, well, that's very interesting. I think I left my bath water running, so I think I'll just... (She gets up and runs out the door. George walks over to Raj.)

R: (smirking) Did you see that? She was so into me. When she gets back from turning off the water in her house, I should make a move...

G: (casually sipping his diet coke.) You just got rejected, bro.

R: (stunned) no, no, you misheard her. She said she had to turn her bath water off, and then she'll be back.

G: (casually) that was an excuse to get away from you. Sorry.

R: (sudden realization) oh, man, you're right... (Sitting down) what am I doing wrong?

G: ...to be honest, it would be easier to list the things you're doing right...

R: (growls to himself) all these hot teen magazines lied to me! I thought women loved the men with the accents!

G: The magazines you were reading weren't specific enough. They neglected to mention it was all in the Australian, British, and Brazilian accents. All the other accents don't work, believe me, I've tried.

R: Really? You've tried?

G: (personating himself in a Texan accent) H'llo lil' lady, yer' a pretty thing, why don't I take you home with me, t'night?

R: And that worked?

G: Not in California.

R: It worked in Texas?

G: (laughter) Oh hell no.

R: There has to be some kind of trick to this!

G: Want me to help you out?

R: Really, you'd do that?

G: My other options are standing next to Sheldon as he explains the origin of salsa, standing next to Leonard as he explains the origin of Frodo, and standing next to Howard as he explains the origin of the pull-the-quarter-out-of-my-ear trick, so yeah.

R: Cool, thanks! (They fist pump) So, who do you think I should shoot for?

G: (looking around. He spots a women chatting with others at the party.) How about her? She seems pretty friendly, sociable.

R: Her? No way man, she's all fatty. I want to find someone, you know, sexy and fresh. Maybe someone who shares my interest in astronomy, small toy dogs, and making jewelry...

G: I think I see why you can't land a girl, man. (He continues to look around and spots another potential girl.) How about her? She's pretty.

R: (Hesitant) Uh, yeah, too pretty. She looks like she'd reject me. Let's find someone else.

G: If you're looking for the identity of perfection, you're going to die here. Just go for the brunette over there.

R: But she looks very pretty, and very intimidating...

G: Look, pretty girls like that? They probably never get asked out because all the guys are too afraid to try. If you go up there and take charge, she'll know you're not afraid to put yourself out there. You'll never know until you try, right?

R: (getting hyped up) you're right! She should know that I'm putting my heart out for her, and if she rejects me, then... (Sitting back down) then it'll shatter into a hundred pieces.

G: Hike up your skirt and ask her out! If you just sit there dreaming about things, it never happens. Sometimes you have to make it happen if you want results.

R: I'm actually pretty content dreaming about it. (Smiling to himself) What is your name? Charita you say? Oh, that's gorgeous. Yes, this is my real accent. You want to have my babies you say? Calm down lady, we just met.

G: Now that you've role-played it all out, let's make it happen. Come on, I'll be your wing man this time.

R: Okay, fine, but if she rejects me, it's all on you.

G: I'll buy you a strawberry smoothie.

R: I like mango smoothies more, but okay.

(They walk to her. Raj stares at her, not making a move for several seconds.)

G: (quickly) hi, uh, what's your name?

Girl: Marissa.

G: Pleasure to meet you I'm George, this is Raj. (He shakes her hand. They both look at Raj expectantly.)

R: (shyly) Oh, uhm, Hi. Pleasure to meet you. (He shakes her hand.) Your hands are very smooth and soft... like velvet.

M: Yeah, I moisturize my hands often.

R: Me too! Wow, we have so much in common. It's like we were met for each other.

G: (cutting in quickly) UH, so, may we sit down?

M: (hesitant) uh, sure, why not?

(They both sit down.)

G: So, tell me about yourself?

M: Well, right now I'm working at a beauty salon. Uhm, I'm into sports, I'm a big fan of anything related to softball and soccer. Do you guys like sports?

R: Oh yeah, my life is sports. It's all I think about.

M: Oh, really? What's your favorite team?

R: (long stutter) Uh, I like rugby; it's like a man thing.

G: He's also a man of science. He's an astronomer, so he knows the location of all the stars and planets and stuff.

M: Oh, that's cool.

R: If you'll follow me outside, I can point out Venus for you. And name all the stars... I mean, it would be easier if I had my telescope, but I can point to the general direction.

M: Oh...well, I'm good. (He turns to George) What do **_you_** do?

G: Oh, I'm a bum. A regular disgrace on the family name, you know. I was looking into prostitution for a while, actually, until I found out it was a mostly women profession.

M: Oh, I don't believe that! You look smart and successful... I bet if you really tried, you could make it out there. You just have to believe in yourself.

G: ...Really? Because I've been feeling kind of downhearted about that.

M: No, I'm serious. Hey, I'm just curious, but is that a hint of an accent I hear in your voice?

G: Yeah, it's Texan.

M: Oh, my grandma was born in Texas! I've always wanted to go there, what's it like?

G: Kind of hot and humid, it depends where-

R: SO, MARISSA, I bet we have even more in common than we think! Are you on a diet?

M: (embarrassed) Uh, no, why do you ask...?

R: Well, I just assumed since I noticed you were reading a weight loss magazine. It's actually the same one I'm subscribed to! Don't try their apple pie recipe, it's a mess.

M: Uh, okay, I'll take a note of that. George, do you like sports?

G: Yeah, I'm a big fan of football.

M: Yeah, I heard football is a lot more popular in Texas.

G: Well, it wasn't exactly easy to miss growing up. If there was one thing my dad allowed himself to be religious about, it was football. He taught me all the strings and we'd go out and play it all the time.

M: Oh, are you an only child?

G: I have a brother and a sister.

M: Me to! This is cool; we actually have a lot in common.

R: We have a lot in common, too!

M: (talking to George) do you like photography?

G: I don't know how to do it, but I like looking at photos?

M: I work at a beauty salon, but my real passion is photography. Would you...be interested in coming to my home and seeing my photography collection?

G: Sure, that sounds cool! Do you do anything specific? (Getting up to leave with her.)

M: (on their way out) I like to visit different places around the country and take pictures of famous landmarks. So far, I think I'm most proud of my photos of Mount Rushmore, the Lincoln memorial, and the Statue of Liberty.

(Raj is left sitting at the table.)

R: I'd like to see your photo collection...


End file.
